Hidden Wounds
Childhood trauma, I want to sit here and lick my wounds; I have so many. I have so many injuries from childhood trauma, some deeper than others. Some have managed to scab over, but others seem unable to heal. Some I thought were recovered, and they suddenly reappeared out of nowhere. If you are reading this, let me see if I can make this a story you can understand.
These are not physical wounds. Although some of them were at the time, these are the wounds that people do not see. They are the ones that live within us. And we hide from them or pretend they did not happen on some level. We do this so that we do not have to relive them. There is hope, therapy for children of narcissistic parents can bring understanding and healing. Let’s dive in with thoughts from a skilled trauma therapist at Gray Horse Counseling.
Childhood Trauma
These are the wounds that happen in childhood. They shape our view of ourselves and the world. These wounds can leave us feeling anxious, lonely, desperate, and unforgivable. I am not trying to sound like a doomsday person, but this is how it feels. When we pick at those wounds or have traumatic memories of things triggered inside us, all this emotion comes flooding back.
Remember, memory and emotions are linked together. That is why you still cry or laugh at a song you have not heard in a long time. Or see an object from a time in the past and still feel an emotional connection. You may have thought these feelings were long gone, but they aren’t. We have so many memories tied to our families. This is one of many reasons why family things can be so difficult.
What is the ideal family situation?
Is it mom, dad, kids, dog picket fence, fairness, and love? This is what has been sold to you in the media, but experience has taught you that family life is far from this ideal. For many of us, it is messy, complicated, and unfair. You may be dealing with moms, dads, stepmoms, stepdads, brothers, sisters, grandparents, or other family members living together or living apart.
It isn’t straightforward. So, this adds to the number of wounds and types of injuries that can occur. I am not saying that these complicated families cannot give enormous emotional love and support. They do sometimes, however, those times are not the discussion for today.
Complicated Home Life
Growing up in a complicated family situation with narcissistic parents and then having to go out into the world on our own can be difficult. The world that is created at home is not always an environment that can be shared with people. It is often a world driven by rules that do not allow you to say anything to anyone. Your fears, concerns, hopes, dreams, or even what was happening in the house 
have to be kept secret.
When you do go out into the world, you see that what happened in your complicated home is not the norm. People do things differently. Oftentimes, even your parents and people from your cluttered homes act differently in the outside world. When you ask questions about this, you are told not to ask. Or maybe you were just humiliated to make it seem like you did not know what you were talking about.
This was the beginning of an understanding of how to act differently in different places. It was the beginning of understanding the need to keep parts of myself away from people and things I did not know.
Growing up in difficult situations
You may not even know there is a problem because it is your normal. Growing up, we trust and believe the people we live with, and the people are around the most. We believe they serve our best interests and want what is best for us. However, this is not always the case, and sometimes these people may be only concerned with themselves. So, what happens when we cannot trust the people closest to us and those who are supposed to care for us?
We end up with emotional wounds that are profoundly confusing and difficult to understand. Often, we are taught that we are not enough and that we must continue to strive to do more no matter the cost to ourselves. We are not the important ones. Forced to be a certain way all the time, secrets are best kept as secrets.
Traits of a Covert Narcissistic Parent
Parents are people doing the best they can to survive and raise their children. They were parented by people doing the same thing. At some level, they do want the best for their children as they want the best for themselves. According to the dictionary, being a parent is to care for another person or person or animal that is about another. So, what if your parents were not like Leave it to Beaver or any other “perfect family” you can think of?
What if your parents did some of the following things?
Shame you
Maybe they came home from work and stated, “I have been working all day, and you cannot even finish your homework/ do the dishes/ feed the dog/ fill in the blank for some small household chore. What is wrong with you?” This statement leaves you feeling all of the pain for their responsibility regardless of what you have done.
If this happens once, it may just be a bad day. However, if it happens repeatedly, it becomes part of the self-talk we tell ourselves. Suddenly, we are not good enough to do anything.
Create confusion triangulation
Bringing in another person to be the witness to their pain makes sure you feel even more shame. “I have been working all day. You did not complete your homework/ household chore.” Later calls a friend or tells a different family member about your failures.
The friend or family member is supportive of the parent and sees you as the problem, even when they had adapted the story to fit their needs. For example, if you had been taking out the trash when they got home and had just not gotten to the dishes. This makes no difference. They would only see that you had not done what was asked and say you do not care about them.
Suddenly you become the one that is not supportive. They have flipped the script on you. In their eyes, you are the problem, and this is how you begin to view yourself.
Emotionally Distant Inaccessible
They are not able to be genuine with anyone. They do not have the ability or capacity to feel what someone else may feel. Conversations are one-way streets, and they are full of potholes that could wreck the car.
As a child, you struggle to learn what not to do and say, but you find out that almost anything will lead to a quick and lethal tongue lashing. They will highlight all your perceived flaws and wrongdoings. So, you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself and make sure you do not ask for help. This creates isolation and fear and, again, relentless self-judgment.
Procrastination or Just not doing
“I will do it once you have done…” something that will never be enough. Again, this keeps the light on them as a victim because of your perceived inability to do anything correctly, like taking out the trash while they have been so hard at work providing for you. Another broken promise and more manipulation so they can remain in control.
Give with strings
This means giving to something or someone knowing it will serve them first. For example, tipping in order to receive extra special treatment. Or giving lavish gifts so people will praise them and know they are important. If there is no immediate goal or good for them to give or do something, it will not happen.
They will take you and your friends to the game so your friends and parents will see them as great parents. But later use the incident as ammunition to shame and ridicule you. This is used to control your behavior and thoughts about yourself.
Realizations of Inflicted Childhood Trauma
So as children, we go to school and learn that other parents are understanding, and other kids tell their parents things. We become more confused about what to do. So, we find ways to manage all the feelings we are having.
We soon learn that not dealing with them is the best thing to do and we bury those feelings deep inside. This strategy will not get us in trouble at school or at home. We do not talk about what happens at home because it does not make sense, and our parents seem so good to everyone else. So, we play along with the charade and continue to bury our feelings and thoughts from childhood trauma deep inside.
Childhood Trauma is Not Ok, Changing the Message
At some point, we can no longer pretend everything at home is ok, or that our home life is normal. Eventually, we have to say this is not right. We must start healing from the potholes of the road we were on and pave a new path.
We must find a way to stand up for ourselves and allow ourselves to come out and be who we are, and overcome childhood trauma. So, start the journey by admitting there was a problem, and we want to change our relationship with ourselves and the people in our lives.
Changing the messages, we receive about ourselves, and the world is not easy, but it is possible. It will require looking at the past and the future. We can change by being honest with ourselves about what happened and who is/was indeed responsible for taking care of us as children. This will not be an easy process as these thoughts and beliefs will not go away willingly again. It is possible.
If you want to change, you can start this journey to feeling better about yourself and the world. Ignoring the wounds will not heal them. They will only stay open. Healing comes with change and change is possible.
Is Therapy for Childhood Trauma in Virginia right for you?
If you have dealt with these issues throughout your childhood and they are impacting your ability to be happy as an adult, trauma therapy for . Trauma therapy gives you the tools you need to be successful, and we are available for help. We understand and know this process very well, so let us help guide you through it at our Powhatan, VA-located therapy practice. Get started today with these three steps:
- Contact us by calling to schedule a free consultation
- Check out our FAQs and read more about us
- Begin your journey with trauma therapy today
Other Services at Gray Horse Counseling
Trauma therapy is only one of the many mental health services we offer at our Powhatan, VA counseling practice. We are available for in-person help in Powhatan and online in Virginia. Our other services at Gray Horse Counseling include individual therapy, group therapy, equine sports, clinical supervision, anxiety, depression, and more. Check out our FAQs, read about us, and contact us today to get the help you deserve!