“The most important day is deciding whether you are good enough for yourself. It is the day you set yourself free.” – Brittany Josephina
How many times a day do we compare ourselves to others? Thinking things like, “She has better hair.”, “He has a better job.”, “They have a better house.” Then following up with “ If only I could___, then I could ____. “ I think if we actually stopped to think about what we are saying and thinking to ourselves, we may be astonished. Do these thoughts cause us to lack confidence, or does a lack of confidence come from these thoughts? That could be the 64K dollar question.
Confidence is Very Elusive and Very Fragile.
Our confidence can be shattered in an instant and takes years to repair. It can also appear defiant, resilient, and unstoppable. For example, we are now in the season of making New Year’s Resolutions. Where we say we are going to do various things. One of them may be going to the gym, riding our bike more, or generally doing something that we think or feel we are not good at. Or, it may be a resolution aimed at changing something about ourselves. So, what keeps us from doing some of the things we want to do?
Well, it could be said it was confidence in our ability to do the desired activity. You have more than likely seen the articles written about how to keep a New Year’s resolution. The ones with all those handy tips, such as making it very specific, incremental, and time-sensitive. Or, even asking a friend or someone to do at least one of the goals with you. There are others, but you get the idea.
Those are all great tips to help you achieve the resolution; however, another component may need to be added. That would be the confidence in yourself that you will achieve the goal. We begin these resolutions thinking that we will achieve them, but in a week or few weeks, we have stopped. We no longer believe we can sustain the change.
How Much Time Do We Spend Having These Negative Thoughts?
Now, I wouldn’t say I like math nor am I great at it, but it can help explain many things. So, here is a math problem for you. First, multiply the number of minutes in an hour (60) by the hours in a single day (24). Next, multiply that number by 365 for each day of the year, and then multiply that by your age. Don’t worry, I will not tell!
The number you have now is the number of minutes that you have been on the planet. It is a considerable number! Even when you take some minutes off for the time you were too young to remember things.
Now assume that you have had negative thoughts about yourself for half of the time you have been on the planet. That is also a considerable number. Seeing this number may help you understand why you may believe those negative thoughts or why it is so hard to change your thinking.
So, why does this happen? What is the reason? I suspect rather than one reason, it is a combination of many things. However, that mix of things is the belief or thought of something negative about ourselves or our surroundings. This is why I want to talk about changing these thoughts and, hopefully, the outcome it can bring with it.
Recognize Your Thoughts About What You Want to Do
When you are thinking about what you are wanting to do, whether it’s in the New Year or not, recognize these thoughts. Do this without judgment. Before you can change anything about your thinking, you must be able to recognize when you are having a negative thought or even a thought at all.
It may sound simple until you try to put it into practice. You may have heard about self-talk, your inner voice, or even your inner critic. That inner conversation is always ongoing and you become aware of what it is saying is important. However, doing this without judgment is also a part of this process. This way you can recognize what you are thinking and become aware of what you are saying under all of the chatter between your inner voice and inner critic.
For example, you may have thought “I can’t do that.” which was a direct result because a second before that you thought “I am scared”. Then before that, you thought “What if I fail?” This last thought is the trigger for the thought of “I can’t do it.”
It Takes Practice
Now all these thoughts happen so quickly that you may not even notice. I am talking in a millisecond or less. So noticing these thoughts will take you practice. Also, noticing these thoughts without judgment also takes practice. The goal of this practice is to be able to tell ourselves, “ It is ok to have this thought.” Then allow it to pass without bonding to the negative perspective.
Be Curious About These Thoughts
Once you are able to notice these thoughts, you can being to be curious about them. If you notice your thoughts, then you may notice that not all of your thoughts are true. We want to let go of these untrue thoughts and replace them with more accurate ones.
However, now that you can notice your thoughts, you can decide if they are true or not. You can think, “Do I need to believe this or do I need to let this go?” If you are needing to let it go, you can think “I need to let it go then where do I feel it in my body?” This could be the tightness in a muscle or your stomach being in knots. It could even be cold feet.
These sensations in your body are trying to let you know that something is going on. Once you are aware of the thought and the part of your body, you can start asking the body to let go of this thought too. This way your body can be allowed to relax. This process will take time and practice but also happens very fast. The key is to be kind to yourself with your thoughts on how you are doing at this.
What Would It Feel Like to Have Less Negative Thoughts?
Just imagine, what would it feel like to not have such negative thoughts and feelings. What would it feel and look like if we thought and felt more positively about ourselves? What if we saw ourselves doing the activity we want to do perfectly? Without fear and dread associated with speaking, sports, or showing up at work?
The more detail you use in these positive visualizations, the better they will work. It will get easier the more you practice, of course. However, in my opinion, visualizing what you want the outcome to be is practicing without actually doing it. Your brain will start to think this activity or whatever you are doing is supposed to go perfectly and work on making that happen.
We often are our worst enemies and most demanding critics.
However, it does not need to be that way. We can change how we think about ourselves. Of course, it will take time and practice; however, the results will be a calmer and more confident self. It is not always about taking the most difficult path. Sometimes, it is about showing compassion and recognizing that we are enough as we are will also help.
Interested in Therapy for Self Esteem in Virginia?
“Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” –Christopher Robin
If you are interested in changing perspectives and learning it is possible to feel differently toward yourself, don’t hesitate to contact me to schedule a free consultation. You can learn how to change your thoughts and how to recognize them with support from the comfort of your home via online therapy from our, Virginia-based therapy practice. To start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:
- Contact us by calling to schedule a free consultation
- Check out our FAQs and read more about us
- Begin feeling more confidence in yourself!
Other Therapy Services Offered by Gray Horse Counseling
Therapy for Self-Esteem is just one of the many mental health services we offer at our Powhatan, VA counseling practice. We are available for in-person help in Powhatan and online in Virginia. Our other services at Gray Horse Counseling include individual therapy, anxiety therapy, group therapy, equine sports, clinical supervision, trauma therapy depression therapy, and more. Check out our FAQs, read about us, and contact us today to get the help you deserve!