You are at work, and your co-worker makes a sarcastic comment about something you have done in front of others for the hundredth time. Suddenly, your friend is not speaking to you because you did not respond to a text message. Your parents are picky about everything you say and turn your words against you whenever you call or visit. You feel like there is something wrong with you. You feel like you are walking around trying to please everyone and not being able to accomplish anything except making everyone angry. What if this is not about you but the people in your life? What if the people around you do not respect boundaries and maybe they are the problem? Have you ever wondered about narcissism or narcissistic behaviors and what they look like? So yes, we are all a little bit narcissistic because we need to be able to think about ourselves first to make sure we can survive.
So, where does narcissism come from?
Well, the term originates from Greek mythology when a nymph named Narciss stopped at a small pool of water one day for a drink, saw his reflection, and continued staring into the pool until he was turned into a beautiful flower. That is a very short version of the myth, but the point is that being obsessed with one’s self is at the core of narcissism. Narcissism is a spectrum that has self-care at one end and fully self-absorbed at the other end. We may move a bit on the spectrum, depending on the situation. I will focus on the problematic parts of the behavior for this article.
According to the DSM 5, narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins in early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts.
- Grandiose self-image exaggerates achievements and expects to be recognized as superior without achievement
- Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty
- Believes he is special and only understood by special people
- Demands excessive admiration
- Takes advantage of others to achieve personal goals
- Lacks empathy is unwilling to recognize the feelings of others
- Shows arrogant attitudes
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), Fifth Edition, | Jesse H. Wright, Gregory K. Brown, Michael E. Thase and Monica Ramirez Basco,https://ebooks.appi.org/epubreader/diagnostic-statistical-manual-mental-disorders-dsm5
Not everyone with a narcissistic personality engages in abusive behaviors.
Not all abusive behaviors, covert or not, are a result of narcissism. Many of the behaviors of narcissistic personality disorder NPD are apparent and can be considered more overt. Some behaviors are considered more subtle, less obvious, or covert—these behaviors are often more subtle forms of controlling, manipulative behaviors seen by NPD.
In addition to the formal symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, other traits of covert narcissism may include:
- May present with low self-esteem, often looking for compliments and reassurance
- Present with anxiety or depression, often looking for sympathy and support
- Shame and guilt often look for more reassurance and sympathy
- A tendency to be passive-aggressive and defensive
- Play the victim frequently to get more support and attention
- Tendency to engage in vindictive behaviors, being hypersensitive to real or perceived insults or injuries, and verbal, emotional, or physical
Initially, it may be hard to identify some of the behaviors of covert narcissists; however, listed below are some behaviors to be aware of. Often, covert narcissistic abuse behaviors involve emotional manipulation and psychological games.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is often done slowly over time. It involves causing the other person to doubt what they are thinking or feeling as real. This is done by frequently changing stories and denying what someone said as ever happening. They may deny anything they have done and try to convince you that it never happened. They may also change the subject frequently. This technique can be very effective at causing doubt in the mind of the person to whom it is happening. It is a slow process, which makes it very effective at maintenance. It can create a dependency on the other person to ensure what is real or happened.
A simple example of gaslighting: You know your memory is not very good. You’d better check again about that. You know if I were not around, you would not get anything right. You need me.
The Silent Treatment
Someone with NPD may start to resent when others do not treat them with the amount of importance they think they deserve. They may start to hold grudges and continue holding onto them for extended periods. As part of the grudge and resentment caused by ignoring someone, not responding to direct communication, and withholding emotion or physical connection,
Example: You come home, and your partner does not respond to you because of a perceived slight.
Playing the Victim
Although this sounds strange, covert narcissism frequently plays a victim to get the other person to give them the attention they believe they deserve. They will state that you have hurt them somehow or need to do something to compensate for the hurt. They believe they deserve your time and attention and can be injured if this does not happen.
Example of playing the victim: “How could you do that to me when you know I have had such a hard time lately? You do not care about me and want to see me suffer. I have done so much for you, and you never do even the simplest thing for me. I can not count on you to help me.”
It can be very difficult to recognize some of these subtle and less obvious forms of manipulation.
Being able to identify some narcissistic behaviors is important in protecting yourself in the future. Start with something simple, such as which relationship behaviors you are unwilling to tolerate. Then, move to things that make you uncomfortable and or hurt. Such as someone frequently dismissing your opinions or needs. Do they frequently not respond to you because you did not do what they wanted or when they wanted? Do they go from loving to hating you several times a week? These could be red flags for covert behaviors.
Keeping Boundaries
Someone with NPD may find it difficult to maintain boundaries, and they will often cross boundaries or ignore them. However, maintaining boundaries is very important to maintaining healthy relationships. It may be time to reassess the relationship if your boundaries are consistently being ignored.
Having A Safety Plan in Place
When dealing with any form of abuse, emotional or physical, having a safety plan in place can be very important. Recognizing when to use it and then actually using it will be equally important.
A safety plan could include:
- Having a paper list with phone numbers and addresses of trusted people
- Keeping essential items secured with a relative or friend
- Saving money in a secure place that you can access in an emergency
- Having a safe place to go at any time of the day and night and knowing how to get there
Getting Treatment to Heal From NPD Abuse
Asking for help is very important in recovering from these relationships. Recognizing the problem is key to being able to get help. Finding a therapist who will help you heal is essential, as is finding additional support. It may feel like an impossible task; however, change is possible. A therapist can help with the following list and many other things:
Identify overt and covert abusive behaviors- Develop coping skills to manage the effects of these behaviors
- Treat symptoms of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, or other mental health conditions
- Challenge negative self-talk
- Set goals for the future
Start Therapy for Self Esteem in Virginia
Covert narcissism frequently uses manipulation tactics that are not easily identified unless you know what to look for. Seeking treatment can seem like a daunting task as your sense of self and self-esteem may be seriously questioned. Change and learning ways to recover from the manipulation are possible. If you want to discuss how I can help you change your relationship with yourself, Learning to trust yourself and feel emotions is part of this recovery. Please contact Gray Horse Counseling by following these steps:
- Contact me and schedule a free consultation.
- Check out my FAQs and read more about me
- Start making the most of the horse show experience!
Other Services Offered with Gray Horse Counseling
Self esteem therapy isn’t the only service offered by Gray Horse Counseling. I’m happy to offer therapy for men and a variety of other services to support the mental health of folks in Powhatan, VA, and across the state via online therapy. Other services at Gray Horse Counseling include individual therapy, depression therapy, anxiety therapy, group therapy, equine sports, clinical supervision, trauma therapy, and equine therapy. Check out my FAQs, read about me, and contact me today to get the help you deserve!