In this article, marriage counselor Elizabeth “Liz” Polinsky discusses the impact of past unresolved trauma on relationships, and how couple therapy can support couples in the trauma recovery process.
Topics Covered:
- What is trauma?
- Symptoms of unresolved trauma.
- Impact of unresolved trauma on relationships.
- How couple therapy can support recovery from past trauma.
What is trauma?
Trauma is an overwhelming event that anyone would find difficult to cope with. While different people may find different things overwhelming, a traumatic event is something all of humankind would find difficult.
Examples include:
- Natural disasters
- Life-threatening illness
- Disabling injuries
- Physical assault or abuse
- Sexual assault or abuse
- Near-death experiences
- Exposure to war
- Racial bias or ethnic discrimination
- Religious persecution
While this is not a complete list of possible traumatic experiences, it does help set the stage for types of experiences that would universally be considered traumatic.
Symptoms of Unresolved Trauma:
Most people will experience a traumatic event in their lifetime, and it is normal to have symptom of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) directly following a traumatic event. For most people, these symptoms will decrease and go away within three months. It’s important to note that the vast majority of people will recover from a traumatic event without any lasting mental health symptoms.
For some others, the impact of the traumatic event will be more long-lasting. While some people develop PTSD, others may develop depression or anxiety disorders.
Common symptoms of unresolved trauma include:
- Irritability and anger outbursts
- Concentration difficulties
- Unwanted memories of the event
- Anxiety
- Scanning the environment for danger
- Feeling on guard, unsafe, and waiting for the other shoe to drop
- Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
- Nightmares
- Isolation
- Feeling down and depressed
- Feeling bad about yourself
- Finding it difficult to trust others
Again, this is just a short list of possible symptoms someone my experience. If you are concerned that you or someone you love may be dealing with unresolved trauma, the best thing to do is to get assessed by aa medical professional.
Impact of unresolved trauma on relationships.
Unresolved trauma can impact a romantic relationship, and can stem from:
- The emotional symptoms an individual experiences from the trauma
- The way an individual is trying to cope with the unresolved trauma
- How the non-traumatized partner is coping with their partner’s experiences
The emotional symptoms an individual experiences from unresolved trauma impact their mood and comfortability on a day-to-day basis. This may lead them to be grumpier and have a harder time just relaxing and having fun. It can also impact their communication as they may be snappier or isolated more from their partner.
Individuals also have to find ways to cope with these difficult symptoms of unresolved trauma—some ways being healthier than others. Sometimes people cope with unresolved trauma by drinking alcohol more or using other substances to try to help them relax or feel better. Others will constantly work to keep their minds busy and occupied. Others might isolate and withdraw away from others. In extreme cases, attempts at coping can take on a life of their own and cause more problems. When substances, overworking, or isolation become the norm, it can lead to greater disconnection in relationships.
Partners can take these symptoms very hard—and that makes sense!
It is so hard to see your partner in distress, especially if you don’t understand why they are acting that way. It is easy to take it personally that your partner is mad at you or doesn’t want to spend time with you. Before jumping to this conclusion, it is important to talk with a medical professional or couple counselor to see if something else like unresolved trauma is impacting the relationship.
It can be hard to cope with your partner’s trauma symptoms. You may find yourself trying to take care of them all the time out of your worry for their well-being. While well-intentioned, it has the potential to make your partner feel like they aren’t good enough and pressured to change. It can also cause growing resentment in you for always having to be the caretaker. In this situation, it’s best to offer assistance but let your partner decide whether or not they will take you up on it.
Or maybe you are not sure what to do to help your partner. When you see their symptoms, you are just overwhelmed and start to get irritable. Or maybe you are withdrawing and isolating in response to their symptoms, and so the wedge between you just continues to grow. Whatever your specific situation is, trauma-informed couples counseling can help.
How couple therapy can support recovery from past trauma.
While individual therapy is so helpful for trauma recovery, it often doesn’t address the way that past trauma is impacting the relationship. This is why it is important to go to a couples counselor who is specifically trained in trauma-based couple counseling with working with couples where one or both have PTSD.
There are two types of therapy that I typically recommend for couples recovering from trauma:
- Conjoint Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for PTSD (link to: https://www.coupletherapyforptsd.com/roster/)
- Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (link to: https://iceeft.com/)
Personally, I am an Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist (EFT), so my bias is with EFT. But when I work with my clients around relationship concerns related to trauma, there are several skills that we are working on improving in both partners. Some of the things we cover include:
- A better understanding of the individual and relationship impact of trauma
- Better use positive copings skills to improve the relationship
- Improving the ability to understand and communicate difficult emotions
- Improving the ability to listen and hear without reacting
- Creating teamwork around trauma symptoms and trauma recovery
- Decreasing the emotional distance between partners and enhancing closeness again
If you are concerned your relationship may be impacted by unresolved past trauma, consider talking to your individual therapist or medical provider on how to find a trauma-informed couple therapist near you. If you are looking for an Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist, you can find a therapist directory at https://iceeft.com/.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Elizbeth “Liz” Polinsky, LCSW, LMFT, is a Certified Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist and Supervisor in Training who specializing in working with military and veteran couples. As a former trauma therapist for the Department of Veterans Affairs, she has a special passion for helping couples recover from the impact of trauma so they can feel close, comfortable, and connected again. You can learn more about her counseling practice by visiting www.ElizabethPolinskyCounseling.com. You can also check out her podcast for military relationships at www.CommunicteAndConnectPodcast.com.